BY HILLARY ROSNER

Pets don't drive or use the Net, which leaves you-know-who stuck picking up the puppy chow. In case you don't drive either, the Web is a pet-owner's paradise, offering everything from flea collars to doggie massage. It's even a great place to start if you're looking to adopt a pet. Or a sock puppet.

• Pets.com is the Wal-Mart of online pet stores, offering a dizzying array of food, treats, toys, and everything else your four-legged, finned, or winged companion could conceivably need. You can even bone up on any relevant legal issues in the pet-law section. Competitors Petsmart.com and Petopia.com sell similar stuff, and also offer interesting information: Petsmart even compares different brands of dog and cat food.

• Epetmart.com grooms a few dollars off Manhattan vet bills by spreading around the dog-shampoo discounts once only available to professionals. The Epet doctor consultations are money-savers too.

• Karensnyc.com, the online outpost of the tony Upper East Side shop and groomer, sells a selection of the store's chi-chi pet paraphernalia. Looking for a fab new python or rhinestone-studded collar? Perhaps a faux-fur coat? Is Rover outgrowing his basket and ready for a roll-up doggie futon? Just don't be surprised if he starts whining about getting his own loft.

• Animalelementals.com offers Dr. Goodpet's homeopathic remedies for calming frazzled nerves, relieving itchiness -- even fending off canine morning breath. But Animal Elementals doesn't stop with flower power -- the site also sells "magnetic therapy" aids: bandannas, mattress pads, and hip and shoulder wraps that create a magnetic field to help pet cells heal themselves. Why should poor Kitty be left out of the homeopathic craze?

• Travelpets.com offers a new leash on life for anyone who's ever smuggled his canine companion into a roadside motel, only to spend the whole night trying stifle its whimpers. This online guide to animal-planet travel includes everything from cheap motels to cozy B&Bs where you and your best friend can enjoy a luxurious weekend together. With special beds and a day camp for dogs, the Three Buck Inn should earn four paws.

• Free Net
  Attention New Economy shoppers: If you're used to getting things on the Internet without paying, the freebie area of About.com (freebies.about.com/shopping/freebies/ might) will help you locate plenty of goodies offline as well. Hosted by giveaway guru Lee Seats, a Web developer and self-proclaimed "avid freeloader," the section lists all kinds of offers -- everything from mail-in coupons for sanitary napkins to custom-designed online jigsaw puzzles. Deep in the dross, there are some real gems, including no-cost phone, fax, and voice-mail service, and demos of CD-ROM games. Hey, if information wants to be free, why wouldn't everything else?

• Java Scripts
  Drew's Script-o-Rama is to film dialogue what Napster is to albums -- except the only people it stands to put out of business are SoHo street vendors. Would-be screenwriters can click on hundreds of movies -- from hits like X-Men and The Patriot to classics like Annie Hall and Vertigo -- and get links to printable versions of full scripts from sites around the Web, some of which are even legal. Script-o-Rama (http://www.script-o-rama.com/) also offers first drafts, unproduced screenplays, and sitcoms, although most of the TV shows are transcripts. Perhaps aspiring screenwriters don't mind sitting down and transcribing every line of Friends.